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September 6, 2006
Self Portrait Challenge - With Someone
I've been muddling over this entry for SPC for a couple of days. Nothing sounds right, so I'm just going to spit it out.
Why is it so hard for me to say, "I'm divorcing Rob"? Maybe it's because I feel like a failure for giving up on my marriage. Maybe I feel like I was a disappointment as a wife and as a person. I don't know. I think I've resisted talking about it partly because I feel guilty that I'm so happy.
But I am happy. It sounds naive, but I don't think I've ever been this happy. It's not giddy schoolgirl happiness or twentysomething lust, it's grown-up and solid and real (yet incredibly silly and joyous) and I almost don't want to talk about for fear of jinxing it.
So maybe I won't talk about it. I'll just say, "Thank you, Nathan, for showing me a side of me that I didn't know existed. Thank you, and I love you."
Comments
"Why is it so hard for me to say, "I'm divorcing Rob"? Maybe it's because I feel like a failure for giving up on my marriage. Maybe I feel like I was a disappointment as a wife and as a person."
I went through this same thing for a long time. It took awhile for me to realize that while I'm sure I contributed in some ways to the demise of my marriage by not handling things as well as I could have, I have also come to realize that, at least for me, if I am the only one making a constant effort to try to make it work, the relationship's doomed to fail.
You are in no way a failure, Kate. Your marriage was. Who you are as a person is not defined by your marriage. And failure is not always a bad thing. You cannot truly appreciate the good without having experienced the bad.
I think it's quite apparent that you've got it great now. I'm very happy for you! Kudos to you, Nathan! Yay!
Posted by: grace at September 7, 2006 6:52 AM
Just because something doesn't last, doesn't mean you failed as a person. I have always thought that honesty with yourself is of utmost importance, and in taking charge of your life and making difficult changes you have been true to yourself. Sometimes the hardest thing is also the right thing.
You are a wonderful person, and there is nothing better than seeing someone you know exude happiness, because to me it is infectious and I can't help but smile.
Can't wait to see you at Casa, I miss your crazy self!! =)
Posted by: Jes at September 7, 2006 9:08 AM
Thank you, Katie. I love you so much. Our relationship is the most beautiful thing that I have ever been part of. I have not lost myself in love with you, but I feel more truly myself than I have ever been before and, for the first time, part of a truly healthy and cooperative partnership that we both gain immeasurably from by joyously giving to each other. You are the greatest blessing in my life.
Posted by: Nathan at September 7, 2006 10:34 PM
So happy for you, Kate. I wholeheartedly agree with Grace's comments and share that experience as well. Glad to see you full of joy. Blessings to you and Nathan both!
Posted by: Nathania at September 8, 2006 9:07 AM
It is far easier to allow yourself to be carried by inertia than to make the difficult and possibly unpopular decision. Ultimately, we are the only people responsible for our happiness in this life. And there are TWO people in a marriage, not just one, not just you. Marriage is a complex state. And just because yours didn't work out doesn't mean that there wasn't lots of love there and doesn't mean that there weren't fantastic parts along the way. Marriage is kind of like a roadtrip, it's good to travel together when you have the same destination- but hey, if one of you is headed for Cleveland and one of you wants to go to Santa Fe then maybe it's not meant to be. (I don't know why anyone would want to go to Cleveland, but whatever).
Posted by: Amy at September 8, 2006 8:00 PM